The 2002 “Coach Jay” World Cup Awards
In the days immediately after the 2002 World Cup, we consoled ourselves with the following nominations. For reasons that are now unclear (likely Aaron's fault) we never ended up distributing them.
Nominees
The Bora Milutinovic Overachievement in Coaching Award
a. Guus Hiddink
b. Bruno Metsu
c. Bruce Arena
d. Philippe Troussier
(No luck this year, Bora.)
The Spain Memorial Underachievement Award
a. Portugal
b. France
c. Argentina
d. Spain (for sentimental reasons)
Best Performance by a Striker Nobody’s Ever Heard Of
a. Hasan Sas
b. Ahn Jung-Hwan
c. El Hadji Diouf
d. Miroslav Klose
Best Performance by a Striker Everybody’s Heard Of
a. Ronaldo
b. Rivaldo
c. Fernando Morientes
d. Edmilsen (deep down, they’re all strikers, dammit!)
Worst Performance by a Striker Everybody’s Heard Of
a. Gabriel Batistuta
b. David Trezuget
c. Kanu
d. Carsten Jancker
e. Gabriel Batistuta
(we thought you should have an extra chance to get this one right)
Best Crying Jag by a Striker
a. Ronaldo (after the final)
b. Batistuta (after Sweden-Argentina)
c. Christian Vieri (throughout Italy-Croatia)
d. Diego Maradona (ongoing)
Best Name in the World Cup
a. Joseph-Desire Job (Cameroon)
b. Pablo Chinchilla (Costa Rica)
c. Cha Do Ri (South Korea) ...or, the Sinister “DR CHA”)
d. Jorge Campos (Paraguay)
Best Vanishing Act by a Single Player
a. Francesco Totti
b. Gaizka Mendieta
c. Youri Djorkaeff
d. Figo
Worst Foul of the Cup
a. Salif Diao/Denmark-Senegal (so bad it got Thierry Henry carded hours later)
b. Mauricio Pochettino/Argentina-England (nominated for sheer stupidity)
c. Joao Pinto/Portugal-South Korea (“Just get me out of here, Coach…”)
d. Landon Donovan/USA-Poland (His backing into a defenseless Arkadiusz Glowacki was brutal and unwarranted. Reckless fouls such as this should rightly be sanctioned with a booking.)
Worst Call of the Cup
a. Inzaghi’s Shirt-pull vs. Croatia
b. Vieri’s off-sides behind the ball vs. Croatia
c. Donovan’s foul vs. Poland
d. Leaving Roberto Baggio at home
Best One-Legged Performance
a. Roberto Carlos
b. David Beckham
c. Alessandro Nesta
d. Zinedine Zidane
The Roberto Baggio Award for Best Player Consigned to the Bench
a. Hernan Crespo
b. Ilhan Mansiz
c. Vincenzo Montella
d. Oliver Bierhoff
Best Team Eliminated Early
a. France
b. England
c. Argentina
d. Portugal
Worst Team Eliminated Late
a. South Korea
b. Turkey
c. Senegal
d. Paraguay
Best Team Not at the Cup
a. Holland
b. Romania
c. Czech Republic
d. Colombia
Teams Better than Turkey
a. Colombia
b. Holland
c. Czech Republic
d. Romania
Team Most Improved by Injury/Red Card/Exile
a. Turkey
b. USA
c. Brazil
d. Ireland
The Dunga Hard Man Midfield Award
a. Nicky Butt
b. Stig Tofting
c. Deitmar Hamann
d. Claude Makalele
The Edgar Davids “Where the Hell Did He Come From?” Award
a. Blanco
b. Hasan Sas
c. Salif Diao
d. South Korea
The Team That Would have been Most Improved if I’d Been Allowed to Play Striker
a. France (Thierry Henry)
b. USA (Earnie Stewart)
c. Italy (Roberto Baggio)
d. Turkey (Hakan Sukur) [No, wait….]
Roberto Carlos Award for Most Overlaps
a. Edmilsen
b. Lucio
c. Cafu
d. Roberto Carlos
The Holland Honorary Ugliest Uniform Award
a. Paraguay (home)
b. Paraguay (away)
c. Croatia ([delivered in a Dennis Miller whine] “Hey, didn't Lady and The Tramp eat spaghetti off that behind the Italian restaurant?”)
d. Slovenia (Charlie Brown called. He wants his uniforms back.)
Toughest-Looking Jersey
a. Cameroon (Pre-World Cup sleeveless version)
b. Cameroon (the FIFA-approved faux sleeveless version)
c. Slovenia (Don’t mess with a team who would rip off the Peanuts gang)
d. South Korea (…all 70,000 of them)
Best Buck-toothed Assassin
a. Ronaldinho
b. Ronaldo
c. Alvaro Recoba (pending confirmation that those are his real teeth and not a Halloween prop)
d. Jens Larsen
Best Phantom of the Opera Mask
a. Miyamoto Tsuneyasu
b. Kim Tae-Young
c. Japan supporters
d. Stuffed animals the Japan supporters were carrying
Best Performance by non-Italian Italian player
a. Hidetoshi Nakata
b. Ahn Jung-Hwan
c. Alvaro Recoba
d. Jared Borgetti
e. Javier Zanetti
(Honorable Mention: Pablo Mastroeni;
Dishonorable Mention: Claudio Caniggia)
Best Performance by Player Furthest From Home
a. Gerald Asamoah (from Ghana)
b. Alex (from Brazil)
c. Emmanuel Olisadebe (from Nigeria)
d. Patrick Viera (from Mars, apparently)
All Porn-Star Team
a. David Seaman
b. Bruno Metsu
c. Emmanuel Petit
d. Rustu Recber
Worst Haircut
a. Christian Ziege
b. Freddie Ljunberg
c. Clint Mathis
d. Umit Davala
(DNQ: Ronaldo’s haircut, while exceedingly unattractive, was donned for the final only)
Best Performance by Unfrozen Caveman
a. Oliver Kahn
b. Stig Tofting
c. Brad Friedel
d. Carsten Jancker
Best Head Injury
a. Taribo West (by unidentified Swede)
b. Hwang Sun-Hong (by Jeff Agoos)
c. Francesco Coco (by Damiano Tomassi)
d. Italy & USA (by Ahn Jung-Hwan)
Best Performance by Celebrity Look-Alike
a. Michael Ballack (Mark ”Marky Mark” Wahlberg)
b. Tony Sanneh (George W. Bush)
c. Christian Vieri (Joaquin Phoenix)
d. Pierluigi Collina (Death from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure)
(…and no, that actually was Zinedine Zidane)
Team Most Exhausted by Appearance in Nike “Secret Tournament” Ad
a. France (Thierry Henry, Patrick Viera, Sylvan Wiltord, Lilian Thuram)
b. Argentina (Hernan Crespo, Claudio Lopez, Javier Saviola)
c. Italy (Francesco Totti, Fabio Cannavaro)
d. Holland (Edgar Davids, Ruud Van Nistlerooy)
Uncontested Awards
Mister Congeniality: Dario Silva
Best Performance by a Player Named Landon Donovan: Landon Donovan
Tightest Jerseys: Italy
Tightest Sphincters: Ireland
Player Most Likely to be Mistaken for a Pirate Captain: Quinton Fortune
Precision Diving Award: Germany (vs. USA)
Best Stat Line: Claudio Cannigia
(Minutes Played: 0, Goals: 0, Shots: 0, Shots on Goal: 0, Assists: 0, Red Cards: 1)
Announcer Most Likely to Don a Jersey and Show These Whippersnappers How It’s Done: Giorgio Chinaglia
Least successful attempt to put a shirt back on: Landon Donovan/Brazil in final (tie)
Tallest Keeper with Shortest Arms: Jose Luis Chilavert
We Really Did Deserve to Be Here Instead of Holland: Ireland, Mexico (tie)
World Cup Logo: copyright FIFA
Mr. Yuk Symbol: copyright Children's Hospital of Pittsburgh